UNDERWEAR

Many of you may recall the dark days of prohibition when innocent students were not allowed to wear or carry underwear to school with them. I would like to set the records straight on some ugly, disgusting rumours.

Many, including the editor of the Sunset Cove Herald, have called me a hypocrite after a series of inconsistencies in policy came to light. I would like to note, Mr. Montana, that I am in no way related to the mamalius hippopotamus, and your statements show quite clearly that you have been nowhere near my underwear chest. I happen to be a size 12, and I resent any statements to the contrary.

As for the origins of prohibitions, I can say without any qualms that I would never try to come between a child and their underwear.

You may recall a time not too long ago when clothing of any kind was banned from Atlantis High. This was a measure created by a group of concerned parents who were worried that their children were tanning unevenly and that their tan-lines might impede their absorption of Vitamin D and other important information fed to youth at school.

Now I won’t call the man an idiot, but I do think that our nation’s president was making a mistake when he overruled our ban on student clothing. It is clear that he did not have the interest of the children in mind, but that he was operating under the duress of special interest groups such as the Rebelz Clothing Manufacture Group and the Coalition to Eat More Bananas.

Now I suggested at the time that we simply ignore the president’s orders, but my suggestion was overlooked, due to a fear that there may be spies hidden in Sunset Cove. So we had no choice but to concede, and, regrettably, to re-clothe our impressionable young students.

At the time of the president’s folly, the ban on underwear seemed to some concerned parents to be a reasonable conciliatory measure that would allow the poor children to remain nekky in spirit, without risking lifelong imprisonment for a violation of ridiculous public decency laws.

I chose not to stand up against the parents, despite my desperate affinity to underwear. I can see only in retrospect that this was a mistake. Our little town is founded on individuality. In choosing to hide my true feelings, I was cheating Sunset Cove and Atlantis High out of my valuable opinion and expertise.

Additionally, I agreed to implement a rule to which I was morally opposed, and with which I could never comply.

I love underwear! Sometimes I wear 6 or 7 pairs at a time. So starved was I for underwear in a school full of wear-burners, that I used to make a daily 40 km trek to the underwear museum housed over in the Big Smoke. When they banned me from their premises after an incident with a thong and a buffalo, my underwear addiction really got out of hand.

And we all know where the story goes from there.

Luckily, it ended happily, and we all got to keep our scanties.

As an offering to appease the community I betrayed, I would like to give out a few free lessons in underwearology.