But that night in bed I had a dream that my face was falling off so the next morning I went out to the hospital again and took my frilliest nightie with me. I asked the doctors to match my eyelashes to the frills on my nightie and they did a fantastic job. The face-lift wasn’t so good though – I had to wear dark sunglasses for four and a half years to hide the bruising.

When the glasses came off, people thought I was a tall six year old and I couldn’t get served in the Wine Bar. So I had to counter balance the face-lift with ten tonnes of make-up just to survive in the adult world.
My next operation was on my lips. I had a beautiful pout anyway but when I saw a picture of Melena Andrea in the Vont magazine I decided I had to have lips like hers. I went back to the hospital with a new nightie and had some fat injected into my lips, Not any old ugly cow fat but the fat from my miniature poodle’s ears.

Ten top tips for cosmetic surgery

  • Always take your own nightie to the hospital
  • Make sure they stick your nose on properly – mine has fallen off five times this week
  • Buy the biggest, darkest glasses you can and pretend you’re a movie star for a few months until the bruising goes away
  • Teach yourself that pain is your friend
  • Don’t visit Dr.Machari on Sunset Cove Road
  • Ask to see that the surgeon has washed his hands
  • Don’t let the surgeon have a nap half way through your operation
  • Enjoy tying your shoelaces while you can – after you’ve had a tummy tuck you won’t be able to bend over for at least a decade
  • Carry a spare bag and mask with you in case your nose falls off
  • Don’t stand in the sun for more than 3 minutes in case your face melts

I woke up and looked in the mirror and was thrilled with what I saw – until I noticed that the mirror had a picture of Melena’s lips stuck onto it.

When I saw my real lips I screamed for at least seven hours and had to be sedated. My lips had white curly poodle fur on them and had turned black like my little doggie’s mouth!
I had to buy fourteen tonnes of Rummel lipstick in Vamp to hide my lips and had to shave three times a day. What a disaster!

My next op was to take fat off my thighs so I could fit into my friend’s daughter’s leather pants for a hot date. The liposuction left big bruises round my thighs and I had to wear a diver’s rescue suit for 2 years to stop the haemorrhaging.

I have had at least 10,000 little operations since the early days and the real truth to my beauty isn’t in surgery – it’s in a mask that the doctors had to create for me to hide all the disfigurements I had suffered through the years.

Some people say that you can become addicted to cosmetic surgery. Me, I say cosmetic surgery is a necessity – I am determined to get rid of the mask and get my real face back again. So, I’ve got to go – I’m running late for my nose job..Next page