I know that for many of you, this will be the first time you have worn underwear. So I will give a quick lesson in the geography of the underwear.
Your underwear has 5 basic sections. There are three holes in your underwear. The larger of the three holes is “the waist.” The other two holes are “the legs.” The rest of your underwear is comprised of “the front” and “the back.” When holding your underwear by The Waist, with The Legs pulled away from eachother, The Front is the smaller panel, and The Back is the larger.
When putting your underwear on, hold it open by The Waist so that The Front is facing upward, and The Back is hanging toward the floor. Stick your right leg into the underwear through The Waist, and out through The Leg on the right side. Stick your left leg into the underwear through The Waist, and out through The Leg on the left side. It is important that you do not push both legs through the same Leg hole.
Now stand up. Clutching your underwear by The Waist, cinch the underwear upward toward your belly until you cannot pull them any higher. Congratulations! You are now Wearing Underwear!
(Please note that the above processes should be completed before you put on other clothing.)
Choosing Your Underwear
It is best to choose underwear that does not have another name on the waistband. There are a few exceptions to this rule. Any underwear bearing the name Sabrina Georgia is safe, as she does not wear her underwear. If you spot underwear bearing the name, Giles Gordon, this is extremely valuable, as there is a bounty on his underwear. Word on the street is that it is wanted for scientific testing. Please do not wear Giles Gordon underwear before selling it to the CIA as it may confuse their results.
Beyond that, there are millions of underwears available to you, and all are sold through the Atlantis High Clothing Catalogue (please make cheques out to Violet Profusion).
Sparkles are a nice touch on a pair of underwear, but, if you are wearing sparkles, it is important that you pull out the waist of your pants several times throughout the day to allow the sparkles to re-charge.
I am particularly fond of underwear with an electronic voice-box—you know, the kind that play the tinny electric Christmas Carols? However, after an incident in the bio labs, these are not to be worn on school premises. Violators will be prosecuted.
I do not recommend that anybody wear knit or wool underwear, they are just too distracting.
A popular choice for students is the day-of-the-week underwear. However, please note that you must buy seven different pairs of underwear, each bearing a different day. Otherwise, these underwears just do not function properly. When shopping for day-of-the-week underwear, look for pairs on which the day is printed upside-down, as otherwise you will be unable to check the day on your own underwear while in class.
Although girly underwear looks great on all three sexes, I would encourage you to look into various lines of men’s briefs. Men’s briefs, while often less attractive, have the great utility of coming with a free pocket, which is a great way to carry your money or lunch when you have no pockets on the rest of your clothing. When purchasing men’s briefs, please note that they ride lower on the hips and have tighter leg-holes. You will need a larger pair if it is to fit you properly.
Finally, for those men and women who require a brassierre, no school legislation has yet been passed to allow these back in our schools. I can offer the following solution:
Buy three matching pairs of underwear. Put on the first pair as instructed above. Now take the second pair and hold it above your head with The Back facing behind you, and The Front facing forward. Stick your head and your left arm through The Waist, and push your left arm out through The Leg on the left, and your head out through The Leg on the right.
Now take your third pair, and repeat as with the second, sticking your right arm out through The Leg on the right, and your head out through The Leg on the left.
There! Not only do you have an excuse to wear three luscious pairs of underwear, but you are able to match your tops and your bottoms. Is anyone luckier than you? Other than me, I mean?
(For those wishing to express their gratitude for my instruction, I accept donations in cash and underwear form. I wear a size 12!).