What does Christmas mean to you?
Lots and lots and lots of mince pies, milk and cookies – yum! Staying up way past my bedtime and breaking the world speed record as I zoom through the night sky delivering pressies to all the good girls and boys out there.
What do you do on Christmas day?
Sleep! Nah, I actually get to eat a nice big Christmas roast, cooked lovingly by my wife and the elves. Then I have a massage and a bubbly bath before I put on my cosiest jammies and hop into my beautifully fluffy and comfy bed and sleep for 3 months straight. It is during this time that I lose a lot of weight and when I wake up from my hibernation I have to eat solidly for 3 months to make up for lost time. Before long I can fill my clothes again and am recognisable as the jolly old elf Santa.
What’s the best thing that you ever got for Christmas?
I received a lovely pair of earmuffs from a little girl in Finland a few hundred years ago. I have worn them every single Christmas Eve since and they’re as warm and toasty as the day I first wore them.
How do you decide who’s naughty or nice?
That’s easy! I’m naturally psychic. All I have to do is to look at a kid and I know whether he’s worth a toy or not. There’s no fooling this old guy; you’d better believe it.
Just how do you get around the world in one night?
Are you stupid or something? I’m not exactly gonna give away my top ten secrets am I?
Um okay, do you prefer mince pies or cookies?
When you work as hard as I do you only care about one thing – food. I don’t care if it’s a piece of cake or a meatloaf sandwich; I’ll eat it just to give me a carb boost.
Who’s your favourite reindeer?
Most of them are pretty egotistical if the truth were told. Rudolf’s the worst. He doesn’t let the elves look him in the eye and people have to address him as R-lo. There’s not a single one of them deer’s that I’d take a bullet for. But they’re good at flying and that’s all that matters at the end of the day.
Where did you meet Mrs.Claus?
We were both recovering alcoholics and met at an AA convention. I had got a bit too used to the whisky and beer that some folks leave out for me at Christmas and now I know to stick to the milk. Mrs.C looked good in red, she’s a great cook and she loves the snow so I thought, hey, why not get hitched? We went to Las Vegas and the rest as they say is history.
How did you become Santa?
I was born in a cave and raised by wolves. An elf found me when he was searching for the cure to frostbite and took me in. By that time I had been spotted by skiers and got known as the Abominable Snowman.
I’ll admit that I was pretty hairy and had icicles hanging off my nose but I resent the fact that they called me abominable. Anyhoo, grew up, felt like I should put back some love into society and built an ice castle where all my extended elf family moved in to help me make toys. Things kind of developed along the way and the more kids started to believe in me the more my magic powers developed and now I can do the round the world thing and the chimney thing and the psychic thing. It’s all good.
Do you have a message for all your fans out there?
Keep it real guys. And don’t forget the milk okay?