The Basics

Ok. The shower? Not for the smart kids. Geeks are intelligent enough to know that the shower strips your body of essential oils and nutrients. Your hair isn’t healthy until you can maintain that robust still-wet look all the time!

Now, I’m not advocating that you never bathe. I’m just gently suggesting that your mother will throw you into the shower in disgust at just the right time. Like Norman Bates always said, “mummy knows best.”

Anyway, geeks adhere to the pheremone theory, and if you wash off all of your stink, how are the popular girls going to smell how much they like you.


Socks. Most of your body heat escapes through your ears and toes, so its socks, socks, socks all around! Socks are a valuable asset when disguising the blackened pallor of your unwashed feet. And when shopping for anything this important, it pays to know that bigger is always better.

Don’t let your small geekly stature fool you. You need the biggest socks of all. If they don’t climb halfway up your thighs when fully extended, they are not warm enough to protect you from the sweltering summer heat.

Pants and suspenders have already been covered above. Underwear. Well, I must say that I am not the expert in this department, but I’ve heard that the cheaper pairs tear more easily, and as we all know, lime green looks good on anyone.

Shirts present an interesting quandary. Typically, the best geeks have always worn the button down shirts that their mother bought for them five years ago. But for some strange reason, this look has been assimilated into a new social genre: geek sheik. Does the modern day choose to acknowledge his geekly roots and dress the part, or does he choose not to participate in modern geek fashion, not to sell out, not to allow everything special about the geek become flattened out to the norm?

As you can see, I’m quite passionate about this issue.

I prefer to go “geek casual.” This is a geeks euphemism for the fact that I still let my mom dress me. This is the peak of geekly goodness. I am geeko supremo! Do not steal my thunder.

Glasses. These are a very important part of the geek ensemble. Please note: you do not want your glasses to have the correct prescription, as this would eliminate your cause for squinting and craning your neck, thus creating a serious risk that your hidden good looks might find their way to the light of day. This is a geek no-no.

For those whose glasses have the correct prescription, a good trick is to break them. Breaking the lens is quite effective, but it is also possible to break the frame and tape it back together in such a way that the lenses do not sit right and thus no longer match your eyesight. Added bonus: as the lens remains in tact, meddling mothers will not insist that you need a new pair of glasses right away. This is the thinking man’s solution.

That’s all I have to say for today, as I still need to translate Homer’s Iliad from ancient Greek to modern Samarian.

One final note: why laugh when you can cackle?

Thank you. Now let the revolution commence!

Geekously yours,
Giles..Next page