When first called out to a holdup situation I make sure I’ve got all the necessary equipment.
Firstly a watergun. – these can come in very handy for catching the thief off guard. Fill it with a solution of water and dishwashing liquid to give that extra bite. If you happen to have an aim like a snake then getting this in the person’s eyes is a sure way for them to drop their weapon and scream like a girl.
Secondly a frozen chicken – In my time I’ve come across people using these as weapons to hold up shops. I’ve always thought of the philosophy, fight fire with fire, so, why not fight chicken with chicken. Catching a thief at their own game can be very amusing and they can become quite stuck for words. Make sure you have a big one.
Thirdly some banana peels – I eat bananas every day to keep up my superhuman abilities so keeping the skins is no problem. When a thief tries to make a quick getaway I’ve always lined the exit to the shop with a good supply of peels. Any thief thinking he can get away will end up on his bum!
Finally my trusty pink crime fighting gear – If you’re a superhero you’re expected to wear the coolest outfits. Pink is THE colour this season so my bright pink bodysuit along with my designer black shorts are ideal. I never fail to get comments about it. And best of all, most thieves have to do a double take when they see me. This gives me a split second to pounce on them and tie them in a knot before the local authorities arrive.
What should you do?
If you’re caught in a holdup situation you should always check to see if you can get outside help.
Firstly, programme the Silver Llinings number into your mobile phone quickdial settings. This way you only have to press one button and you know the Silver Lining will be there.
Secondly seek a good hiding place in the store – in the freezer is a good place, no ones likely to look there – BUT make sure you don’t lock yourself in or you may end up looking like a frozen chicken!
Do as they say – It may be tempting to be a superhero yourself but if someone’s threatening you with a frozen chicken you better do what they say! Stay calm, chew some gum and wait for the Silver Lining to arrive because no doubt the Silver Lining will always be first to the rescue, a huh!
Offer them some food – Don’t forget that this thief may just be hungry and irritated and that’s what all this fuss is about in the first place. If you’re smart you carry everlasting gobstoppers and thus the theif will have their mouth full for hours and won’t be able to get a word in at all. The Silver Lining sells everlasting gobstoppers at 20cents each. Please phone the Silver Lining hotline for more information.