Hi! Sophie here! I am very old. In fact, in less than a decade, I will be able to rent a car! As such, I would like to share some of my valuable life experiences with you younguns. One of the most valuable lessons I have learned in life his how to handle my poltergeist. Today I will pass that lesson down to you


We all have a personal poltergeist. Most of us just fail to recognize them.

A poltergeist is an angry ghost. Why is it so mad at you? If you are the cause of the poltergeist’s ghostdom, the answer is obvious. Sometimes, the answer is less simple.

I am pretty sure that my poltergeist selected me because I was eating sweet rice pudding. Why would this be? I don’t know. The world has many great mysteries, and this is one of them. All I know is that the wrath of my private poltergeist first appeared over dessert, and that all of my subsequent attempts to eat rice pudding have been thwarted.

In truth, it matters not how you and your poltergeist ended up together; what counts is that you did find each other. And you are now inseparable, whether you choose to admit it or not.

Just like any other tag-along friend, all your poltergeist wants is a little bit of love and affection. It will warm the cockle’s of your poltergeist’s empty heart if you will just pause now and again, to shower them with endless affection.

Candle-lit dinners are a must-have, though if you use real candles, you should be prepared to explain to authorities how the neighbors’ house burned down. More adventurous poltergeists may enjoy a trip to the paintball shooting range. I’d stay away from bowling with your poltergeist, and really any sport involving a bat or a club. Swimming is a good bet, if you’re ready to do some haunting of your own.

For those who really want to love their poltergeist to love’s limits, I would have to recommend a private vacation. Just you and your poltergeist, holed up in a rustic cabin somewhere, with no one to come between you with ill-begotten plans of rescue.

Rent a private airplane, and have the pilot drop you above your secluded destination. Make sure that your vacation home has no distractions such as television or the telephone or teletubbies to whittle away your time with your beloved poltergeist.

You could call ahead to a rental agency and find a place up to your standards, but I’ve actually found that squatting works just as well. Your poltergeist will make sure that any owners or official renters agree to let you stay on without them. But a good, old-fashioned back-woods cabin, vacated for the last 100 years or so, often has a special charm, for instance a collection of rusty metal band-aid boxes, each containing a lock of hair. This is the kind of special touch that makes the crazy cabin home.

I’d have to say that the best trip for two for your poltergeist and you does not happen in the island tropics, but high in the icy mountains. Yes! That’s it! A ski-trip!

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