Remember to dress warm. This is snow territory. That means you’ll have to wear socks under your sandals, and bring several bags to keep your surfboard warm and cozy. Layers are crucial.

Pack for three months. As you probably will not have a laundry machine, this means approximately 180 pairs of underwear. (Heed your mother’s pleas. Remember to change your underwear frequently, in case you have an accident.)

Canned food is a bad idea, and can lead to nasty, circular bruises in your forehead. If able, I recommend that you bring live food. Since all ghosts are vegan, animal livestock is simply out of the question. However, your vegetable garden can be made portable, using a green turtle sandbox. Be sure to properly secure this before parachuting.

A toothbrush is unnecessary. As much as you want to, you will never kiss your poltergeist. A hairbrush is okay, but I prefer to shave my head before long trips, so I don’t have to worry about a mass of blonde tangles.

You could choose to purchase skis in advance, but there is often an old wooden pair suspended in a decorative X on the cabin walls, and I prefer to leave some room for chance. If you do not find skis in your stolen cabin, you can always remove a log or two from the wall and strap these to your feet.

I understand that many of my readers have never been on skis. Don’t worry. It is just like waterskiing—you can even strap yourself onto your poltergeist, and let him drive on ahead of you. However, in most cases, I prefer to let gravity to the driving.

When skiing, it is important to listen to the sounds around you. If you hear a crusty scrape, you are probably skiing on ice, and should take note that falling will hurt. A soft whisper like waves on sand is what you should hear. As well as a rush of wind in your ears. If the wind is not screaming louder than the banshee beside you, you are not moving fast enough. If you hear a large crack, there are two possibilities: you are about to learn the definition of ‘avalanche,’ or your poltergeist is hurling a tree at you. Either way ditch your skis, and run fast.

Push your limits! You might as well try a few jumps. Remember, your poltergeist is having fun too! So whether you like it or not, you will soon be airborne. Best to make that choice for yourself. Flips are a great way to see the world from the perspective of an Australian.

Please be aware of obstacles. The slope may look clear for the next10 feet, but in the point-five seconds it takes to move cross that 10 feet, your poltergeist will have added a tree, a tugboat, and a four-post bed to the scenery before you. Vigilance is paramount. Challenge your ghost as he challenges you. Make his job difficult.

If you do fall, do not tumble endlessly as you might when thrown from your surfboard. Remember, you have two new cumbersome appendages, and a poorly planned fall could literally result in a human knot. Skiers who wish to avoid this would do well to tie their skis together and thus maintain their position relative to each other.

I would highly recommend skiing through trees. Trees create a special sort of natural maze, and, with your poltergeist there, trying his ghostly best to destroy you, the trees will creak and walk around you like a crowd of humans. It’s like in that movie, where David Bowie had all the makeup and walked upside-down on the stairs….the maze is changing around you. Really cool, very heady experience. Do take care though, that you do not run into a freshly relocated tree. Remember, while your poltergeist can split himself in two and trickle around the tree like water, you will only be halted, in a sudden, violent tree-hug.

Getting Home
This is your problem. You’re the one who parachuted down to an abandoned old cabin in the middle of nowhere, with no bathtub or telephone, with nothing but an evil ghost for company. What were you thinking?

Good Luck!

You’ll have a great time and really come to intimately understand your personal poltergeist. Have fun! And remember, skiing is perfectly safe, as long as you’re not a Kennedy..

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