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VIOLET’S GUIDE TO COSMETIC SURGERY Part 1

VIOLET’S GUIDE TO COSMETIC SURGERY

““Everyone I meet thinks that I am 21 years old but they would be surprised to learn my real age…”

I’VE ALWAYS BEEN GORGEOUS

My mother said it was all down to good genes but I don’t see how a pair of pants can make you look 20 years younger than you are.

Even when I wear a skirt I look younger than my years and everyone tells me how gorgeous I am. But then I have always been gorgeous.

Cosmetic Surgery Myths and Facts

Big lips aren’t all they’re cracked up to be
Liposuction sucks
Poodle ear fat is not the best way to get rid of lines
Frilly nighties look better than hospital gowns
Noses come in all shapes and sizes
The top cosmetic surgeon is really expensive
The skin on my forehead is thinner than a piece of tissue paper
Your ears look better when they are on the side of your face and not on the top of your head
The first person to get cosmetic surgery was a cosmonaut – the aliens thought they had found one of their own when he appeared in space
Not all plastic surgery is plastic

I won’t tell you how old I am – no woman likes to give away their age – but I will tell you that I have all my own teeth, eyes and ears.

Other than that, it’s all fake! Well, naturally fake that is – cow fat, horse fat, pig fat and herbal essences.

Like I said, I have always been gorgeous but when I was 18 years old I woke up one morning and noticed 2 lines around my mouth. Mother took me right to the doctors and booked me in for my first face-lift.

I was so excited to get to hospital but when they brought the operating gown out to me I ran away – well would you be seen by gorgeous doctors in a blue floral paper nightie with a big slit down the back? I don’t think so…

When I got home I looked in the mirror again and tried to come to terms with my lines – then noticed that they had gone! And then it came back to me…I had forgotten to wipe the spaghetti off my face the night before! It must have fallen off when I ran out of the hospital!

What a lucky escape!

SOPHIE’S GUIDE TO SKIING WITH YOUR POLTERGEIST Part 2

SOPHIE’S GUIDE TO SKIING WITH YOUR POLTERGEIST

Packing

Remember to dress warm. This is snow territory. That means you’ll have to wear socks under your sandals, and bring several bags to keep your surfboard warm and cozy. Layers are crucial.

Pack for three months. As you probably will not have a laundry machine, this means approximately 180 pairs of underwear. (Heed your mother’s pleas. Remember to change your underwear frequently, in case you have an accident.)

Canned food is a bad idea, and can lead to nasty, circular bruises in your forehead. If able, I recommend that you bring live food. Since all ghosts are vegan, animal livestock is simply out of the question. However, your vegetable garden can be made portable, using a green turtle sandbox. Be sure to properly secure this before parachuting.

A toothbrush is unnecessary. As much as you want to, you will never kiss your poltergeist. A hairbrush is okay, but I prefer to shave my head before long trips, so I don’t have to worry about a mass of blonde tangles.

You could choose to purchase skis in advance, but there is often an old wooden pair suspended in a decorative X on the cabin walls, and I prefer to leave some room for chance. If you do not find skis in your stolen cabin, you can always remove a log or two from the wall and strap these to your feet.

Skiing
I understand that many of my readers have never been on skis. Don’t worry. It is just like waterskiing—you can even strap yourself onto your poltergeist, and let him drive on ahead of you. However, in most cases, I prefer to let gravity to the driving.

When skiing, it is important to listen to the sounds around you. If you hear a crusty scrape, you are probably skiing on ice, and should take note that falling will hurt. A soft whisper like waves on sand is what you should hear. As well as a rush of wind in your ears. If the wind is not screaming louder than the banshee beside you, you are not moving fast enough. If you hear a large crack, there are two possibilities: you are about to learn the definition of ‘avalanche,’ or your poltergeist is hurling a tree at you. Either way ditch your skis, and run fast.

Push your limits! You might as well try a few jumps. Remember, your poltergeist is having fun too! So whether you like it or not, you will soon be airborne. Best to make that choice for yourself. Flips are a great way to see the world from the perspective of an Australian.

Please be aware of obstacles. The slope may look clear for the next10 feet, but in the point-five seconds it takes to move cross that 10 feet, your poltergeist will have added a tree, a tugboat, and a four-post bed to the scenery before you. Vigilance is paramount. Challenge your ghost as he challenges you. Make his job difficult.

If you do fall, do not tumble endlessly as you might when thrown from your surfboard. Remember, you have two new cumbersome appendages, and a poorly planned fall could literally result in a human knot. Skiers who wish to avoid this would do well to tie their skis together and thus maintain their position relative to each other.

I would highly recommend skiing through trees. Trees create a special sort of natural maze, and, with your poltergeist there, trying his ghostly best to destroy you, the trees will creak and walk around you like a crowd of humans. It’s like in that movie, where David Bowie had all the makeup and walked upside-down on the stairs….the maze is changing around you. Really cool, very heady experience. Do take care though, that you do not run into a freshly relocated tree. Remember, while your poltergeist can split himself in two and trickle around the tree like water, you will only be halted, in a sudden, violent tree-hug.

Getting Home
This is your problem. You’re the one who parachuted down to an abandoned old cabin in the middle of nowhere, with no bathtub or telephone, with nothing but an evil ghost for company. What were you thinking?

Good Luck!

You’ll have a great time and really come to intimately understand your personal poltergeist. Have fun! And remember, skiing is perfectly safe, as long as you’re not a Kennedy..

SOPHIE’S GUIDE TO SKIING WITH YOUR POLTERGEIST Part 1

SOPHIE’S GUIDE TO SKIING WITH YOUR POLTERGEIST

“

Hi! Sophie here! I am very old. In fact, in less than a decade, I will be able to rent a car! As such, I would like to share some of my valuable life experiences with you younguns. One of the most valuable lessons I have learned in life his how to handle my poltergeist. Today I will pass that lesson down to you…

We all have a personal poltergeist. Most of us just fail to recognize them.

A poltergeist is an angry ghost. Why is it so mad at you? If you are the cause of the poltergeist’s ghostdom, the answer is obvious. Sometimes, the answer is less simple.

I am pretty sure that my poltergeist selected me because I was eating sweet rice pudding. Why would this be? I don’t know. The world has many great mysteries, and this is one of them. All I know is that the wrath of my private poltergeist first appeared over dessert, and that all of my subsequent attempts to eat rice pudding have been thwarted.

In truth, it matters not how you and your poltergeist ended up together; what counts is that you did find each other. And you are now inseparable, whether you choose to admit it or not.

Just like any other tag-along friend, all your poltergeist wants is a little bit of love and affection. It will warm the cockle’s of your poltergeist’s empty heart if you will just pause now and again, to shower them with endless affection.

Candle-lit dinners are a must-have, though if you use real candles, you should be prepared to explain to authorities how the neighbors’ house burned down. More adventurous poltergeists may enjoy a trip to the paintball shooting range. I’d stay away from bowling with your poltergeist, and really any sport involving a bat or a club. Swimming is a good bet, if you’re ready to do some haunting of your own.

For those who really want to love their poltergeist to love’s limits, I would have to recommend a private vacation. Just you and your poltergeist, holed up in a rustic cabin somewhere, with no one to come between you with ill-begotten plans of rescue.

Rent a private airplane, and have the pilot drop you above your secluded destination. Make sure that your vacation home has no distractions such as television or the telephone or teletubbies to whittle away your time with your beloved poltergeist.

You could call ahead to a rental agency and find a place up to your standards, but I’ve actually found that squatting works just as well. Your poltergeist will make sure that any owners or official renters agree to let you stay on without them. But a good, old-fashioned back-woods cabin, vacated for the last 100 years or so, often has a special charm, for instance a collection of rusty metal band-aid boxes, each containing a lock of hair. This is the kind of special touch that makes the crazy cabin home.

I’d have to say that the best trip for two for your poltergeist and you does not happen in the island tropics, but high in the icy mountains. Yes! That’s it! A ski-trip!

COMMANDER VERMONT’S GUIDE TO ALIEN ABDUCTIONS Part 1

COMMANDER VERMONT’S GUIDE TO ALIEN ABDUCTIONS

““The aliens stole my brother – and now I know how they did it!”.

LITTLE LIEUTENANT VERMONT
Every time I look into the sky I think of Little Lieutenant Vermont and wonder where he is and what creatures he is talking to.

Aliens Like…

Beedly Boppers
Instant Potato
Movies about dolphins
The Moon
Monkie
Learning to fly
Green things
Bicycles
Sunglasses
Big ears

One dark night 30 years ago, we were out on manoeuvres in the countryside around Castle Cove. Johnny and I were on watch while the rest of the battalion were snoring in their tents.

Johnny and I sat under a tree and talked about all the places we would go and all the countries we’d conquer when we had gained enough experience.

I looked up at the sky and talked about the stars and how one day I’d like to go up there and stick the flag on a planet and claim it for Sunset Cove. Johnny didn’t have too much to say and I thought maybe he’d fallen asleep.

When I looked round at him, he was standing in the middle of the field, waving his arms around and calling to the moon, “Little Moon Monkies, come and get me!”

Sure enough, a flash of lightning shot out of the sky and quick as an ant, Johnny was whisked up into the air like a feather and whooshed out of sight.

All I could hear were his words on the wind, “Moon Monkies”.

I must have fainted then because next thing I knew, I was lying on a hospital table with a bright light hovering over my eyes.

I tried to sit up but something held me back. It was then that I noticed 14 green tentacles wrapped around my upper body and cold green goo was running down my chest.

I started to scream but no sound came out – my tongue had been tied to the table!

I began to sweat and the more I wriggled, the tighter the tentacles got until I could hardly breathe.

Then without any warning I was blasted off the table at the speed of sound and landed with a bump back in the field I had started out in.

JOSH AND OCTAVIA’S GUIDE TO STEALTH Part 2

JOSH AND OCTAVIA’S GUIDE TO STEALTH

In order to truly be good and stealthy, your entire life must be a lie. You have chosen a life of shadows, where you must constantly hide your true self, forsaking even love.

JOSH – Oh, Octavia! Don’t give up on us that quickly!

OCTAVIA – Real, stealthy, Josh. I wasn’t talking about you and I.
….I know it sounds like a lonely existence, but really, you can never be alone if you have yourself. Especially when you have two selves: the mask you made for the world, and your hidden, inner self.

JOSH – She’s right. I gotta say, I have a bit of a crush on my super-hero alter-ego.

OCTAVIA – Josh, there are some things the public doesn’t need to know. And do you remember what I was just saying about secrecy?

JOSH – –I don’t have a super-hero alter-ego. And he certainly doesn’t wear a dashing pink body suit with optional detachable cape.

OCTAVIA – This brings me to my next point: Covering Your Tracks. If you choose a life of stealth, and a momentary lapse in secrecy occurs, the best thing is to play it cool.

The general public doesn’t know, and they don’t want to know. If you act as if nothing has happened, they will assume there has been a misunderstanding, and they will reinterpret reality, thus normalizing your mistake. The so-called discerning public is often your best ally in secret-keeping.

JOSH – I’d like to talk about Super-Hero costuming. It’s important to know that tighter is always better. Tight like a 10-year-old T-shirt that fits like a hug. Tight like my gorgeous buns of steel. Find a spandex aerobic suit that shows your every ripple and jiggle, and wear it with shining pride. Now that’s tight, man.

OCTAVIA – Don’t you feel that this sort of advice might be debilitating to the women’s rights movement?

JOSH – –Next, I don’t care what the so-called “government” tells you. Pink is your best camouflage. In a shiny pink unitard, you can blend into the most difficult landscapes, for example the lipstick section of the Rebelz Department Store. Or you could hide amongst the wasteland of sunburned tourists. Or even blend into the ocean in the high-bacteria springtime.

Nature is a myth. Wearing green to blend in with supposed “foliage” is a joke. We all know that the only real green around here is money, so, unless you’re planning to take a swim in my personal vault, pink is the only way to hide.

OCTAVIA – I think that’s a good place to end this. I need to get home and help my mother cook dinner. So I’ll leave it to the pink panther here to wrap things up.

JOSH – She wants me bad...